I’ve been a little busy not gettin’ busy.
I’ve moved upward and onward into a sparkly new house … and , sadly, have not had a lot of time make my oven hot (not a euphemism).
I have been spending a lot of time in my own head for the last few weeks (months) – and, well, I know that there are those of you who would really like to spend some time in my, uh, head too, so, come, on. Take my hand.
1. Let’s get this out of the way. I had an unplanned recipe adventure…. In my last few days in my rental, I had to essentially clean out my cupboard (also not a euphemism). I had an amazing happy accident that left me happily buzzing and fully content for a very brief , oh, half hour or so.
Boy, do wish I had a picture – I did, once, but, well, now I don’t.
Brown some onion (about half an onion, preferably vidalia) in about a tablespoon or two of garlic infused olive oil.
Dice two tomatoes , and cook them down a bit with the onion, then add a good squeeze of lemon grass paste (it comes in a tube , near the herbs , in the produce section. While you’re there, pick up some garlic paste and basil paste. You need to have this in your kitchen).
While that’s simmering , very gently , on a very low flame, cook up a package of Israeli cous-cous (I don’t follow the directions – shocker – I just boil the cous cous and added some more garlic infused olive oil to the water. Boil and cook until the water is absorbed).
Once the cous cous is cooked, add it do the pan with the onion and tomato. Simmer over very low heat , just to combine the flavors. Add about a small handfull of: fresh basil leaves, torn; fresh rosemary needles, slightly crushed; fresh oregano; fresh parsley.
Let those marry for about 10 minutes, stirring to avoid burning and sticking to the pan.
Add a package of feta that you’ve cut into small cubes, and stir it into the warm concoction to just slightly melt it.
Take a bite and experience rapture.
2. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the good stuff.
I think the whole world is in heat. The expression “a shade of grey” is forever sullied.
Let me say this, I picked up a copy of this book (if you say “what book?” you need to sign a lease on a different rock from the one you’ve been living under) – and by picked up, I mean lilterally, picked it up from the shelf at Target – and read the first paragraph. I put it back faster than I picked it up , because, truthfully, it was trivial. The writing was not , shall we say, prize winning. So I didn’t buy it.
But it’s been on my mind. Almost every woman I know is reading this book. I had an encounter with a woman (wait, that sounds dirty – she was drinking and felt the need to share) about a week ago who told me that she read the book in four days (which, interestingly, she thought was a major accomplishment), and masturbated 15 times.
Now. Fifteen times in four days , that’s pretty good (but I know know what her “normal” is).
I’m not interested in her masturbatory habits. I am interested in the fact that this book and the release of Magic Mike (which I’ve seen twice, and not for the plot) have gotten women talking, out loud, about being turned on.
This is not something that I have any problem talking about – especially when it’s hot outside (did you read In Heat ???). I have zero issue with it – and I have many people in my life who also talk about it freely – and have been talking about it for as long as I can remember.
It pisses me off that this is a topic of conversation (check out Ricandb ) as something newsworthy. Women masturbate. We like sex. A lot. Just as much as you guys do. And, we talk about it. A lot. In detail.
Ok – so ladies, let your hair down. Put away the inhibitions. Get over it and have some fun (safely). Be your raw self because you want to be, not because some poorly-written book makes you think you should be.
That being said – I like to get my blood pumping as much as the next gal (which is why I’ll probably read this book at some point – but I will not buy it), which leads me to my next point.
3. I have an opinion or two about fantasy that sometimes crosses lines.
Here’s what I mean, and I ask you to put your judgement aside.
I’ve learned a few things about you guys (and I do not only mean men). I’ve learned that you are insatiable in a way I did not know before. You can be happily partnered and still have a taste for , ah, some appetizers, shall we say. I’m sure that all of us entertain fantasies of our list of 5 celebrities on our “to do” list
(1. Channing Tatum
2. Ryan Gosling
3. Harry Connick, Jr.
4. Channing Tatum
5. Jon Hamm),
but that’s normal and expected. What about when you fantasize about real life people?
What if these fantasies have to do with people at the office (mine do not, for the record)? What if these fantasies are written correspondence between people who haven’t met? What if “happily” coupled people act on these fantasies?
This is where I ask you to withhold judgement, becuase it happens. People act on their fantasies. Not everyone who fantasizes is female. Not everyone who cheats is an asshole ( or male). (I mean, maybe monogamy is a myth – but that’s another topic for another time.)
At this point in my life, I know that nothing is black and white (insert “shades of grey” reference here – tongue in cheek). I also know that you cannot – can not) judge until you walk a day in someone else’s shoes. That said, I do not – as a rule – condone cheating, or adultery. Ok? Leave the hate mail in your draft box.
What I know is that life gets in the way. Kids make you tired. Your job stresses you out. You like to feel wanted, special , sexy.
Everyone likes to feel desired, and likes to feel like they can still bring it. Right? I know I do.
And , I know you do. (Don’t make me prove it. ;))
I can’t say that I categorically think there’s a lot wrong with fantasy – whatever form it takes, and that’s what might get me into trouble. Fantasy that stays in the dark, under cover, in your head is totally fine, go to it.
Fantasy that’s verbalized to your partner – even better. I hope it gets you both really hot.
Fantasy that is verbalized to someone other than your partner – someone who gets you hot, turns you on, makes you feel alive, also fine. I would bet dollars to doughnuts that it’s making the sex with your partner hotter. Right? Right.
Is it wrong? Is it? Would you admit if you engaged in this activity (whatever form – written, verbal, whatever)?
What pushes the envelope, what makes you uncomfortable? 1-900-fone-sex? Websites? Online porn? Your partner who goes out of town and flirts mercilessly on the plane, at the bar? Actual cheating?
And, here’s what I’m interested in: why does it make you uncomfortable?
Is it because you’re uncomfortable stepping outside of your routine (read: rut)? Is it because of a moral stance? Is it insecurity?
Here’s what I think – whatever your opinion: keep it interesting with your partner. Indulge in fantasy (unless it interferes with your job or your health), talk dirty, surprise them. Keep it interesting, ok? Please.
And, don’t judge.
Alright, moving on (wow, I did a good job keeping my opinions to a minimum there).
4. Southern Living’s Carrot Cake. Google it. Make it.
5. Ina Garten’s Fresh Corn Salad.
6. Go hug a homosexual. Some good might rub off on you.
7. Dating still sucks – in case you were curious. A favorite exchange from a recent experience:
me: So, where are you from originally?
him: The Northeast.
me: Oh? Where?
him: Ohhh… New York, Connecticut…
me: Which one?
him: “You know, I always get asked that…”
me: “Yes, well, they’re two different states….”
He didn’t like that. But that’s ok. I didn’t like him.
So – listen, It’s been an odd few months… I still want what I can’t have. I still hope to get back to some real cooking, and I still like to keep it really hot.