So, guys, it’s time we had another talk. Come, sit over here, take a load off.
Listen. This has gone too far. There are a few more things you need to know. This might hurt a little bit, but trust me, in the long run you’ll thank me.
Let’s start with what you’re wearing. Yes, you. Baseball caps are cute, some people (me) even think they’re sexy. But, not on a date, unless you’re headed to the batting cages or the ball park, or even for a hike. (Hello? Hat head? Ring of sweat just above the brim? Not date material. Unless you’re 22 and still drink Coors Light and regularly tap a keg… in which case you probably won’t be tappin’ much else.)
If you’re over the age of 25 (and barely old enough to ride this ride) you should branch out. Shop elsewhere than the Gap (which is fine, but you’re a grown up now, you should be beyond Granimals for Grownups). Need suggestions? Banana. Macy’s. Express Men. Even TJ Maxx. Splurge on a nice dress shirt (at least one, save up, it’s worth it). Come on, you don’t really need my help there , do you?
The sexiest ensemble that comes to mind: jeans (not dark wash, not skinny jeans, a good, worn, sexy pair of button-fly Levi’s will do just nicely, thanks), a collared dress shirt, a blazer , and loafers or other non-athletic shoes. No matter who you are, how old you are, no matter your body type or whether you’re married or not, you will get checked out (at least by me).
Just make an effort to update your wardrobe. You should no longer own pleated pants or shorts. Get rid of the denim shorts or shirts. Striped rugby shirts? No. Not unless you’re on the Australian rugby team and plan on taking that jersey off. Structure abandoned that style when they became Express Men, and so should you. And, really, for the last time, stop wearing white athletic socks with those stupid soccer-player rubber sandal things. They were cute in highschool because it meant you were on the soccer team (or , wanted to be). Wear them now and we just think that your best days are behind you.
And, you want us to want you. Dress a little more sharply and we will.
2. Be a gentleman.
This is not old fashioned. I alluded to this in an old post (check out “Old Flames”). The truth is, women complain about this all the time – the single ones, that is. Being a gentleman means different things to different women, but the basics are simple. The truth is , as a considerate human being, much less as a dateable man, there are some things you should not do.
A. Do not, under any circumstances, ever, criticize another woman’s body within earshot of any other woman. This will automatically render you a Perma-Jerk and you will forever be condemned to your own version of Hell. You might love animals, children, cook a gourmet meal, and have amazing abs AND be amazing in bed. Still, do this, and you are the scum of the earth. Recently, on a beach trip, I was sharing some sand with one of the most obnoxious 20-somethings (I’m guessing, based purely on behavior) I’ve ever encountered (and I’ve encountered my fair share, believe me). His name was Blake. He was from Ohio. Columbus, I think.
Blake sat, all day, under a beach umbrella and commented on the hot 16 year old’s thighs, the too-small-bikini-clad new mom, and the slightly older women rockin’ bathing suits. He later wound up with a wicked sunburn after sitting in the shade all day, and shouted, “How the F*CK did I wind up with a sunburn?!?!”
To which I , just loudly enough, replied, “Karma.”
The point? Don’t be a dick. Even when you think no one can hear you, someone likely can, and she might be who you have your eye on.
B. Do not get drunk on a first date. My first date after ending a fairly significant relationship was with someone who was not my “type.” He was uber-intellectual, very bitter, somewhat dark, and nerdy in an “I’m too cool to be beatnik, but I am beatnik” kind of way. He was funny, things were ok, until he, seated beside me at a bar, tried to actually shove his hand down the front of my jeans. Yes, this actually happened. He was surprised when I grabbed his wrist and told him the date was over. Just watch yourself. Gentlemen don’t get wasted on date number one.
C. If you are on a date and she offers to pay or buy the drinks or dessert, either let her , or, kindly refuse. Do not berate her. Do not ask her, “Have you never been on a date before?!” Do not make a scene. Do not otherwise insult her. She’s probably doing one of two things: She’s either genuinely wanting to treat you and do something nice, or she wants to see if you’re a total jerk. If you want to refuse, you can do so nicely. If you accept, make a teeny fuss so we know you’re not a jerk.
D. Follow her lead. You can usually tell when a woman is comfortable or uncomfortable, right? If you can’t, then come back to this post in 5-10 years. If you’re not getting obvious cues on whether she’s into you, and you can’t tell, then err on the side of caution, and don’t make a move. If you’re wrong, and she makes one instead, bonus.
Ok, sometimes these all go out the window, but only if you’re Don Draper.
3. Drink wine occasionally, learn how to drive stick, and shave.
Do these really need an explanation?
4. Never send someone you’re just getting to know a picture of your junk. It’s gross, classless, and you guys do it all the time. Trust me, you do *not* want to know what we say or think about that. It’s never , ever good.
You want a second date, right? You want a woman, not a giggly girl who will fawn all over you, right? Right. So, I know what I’m talking about.
And, you should also know, we talk. About you. A lot. Sometimes we’re explicit and name names. Be enough of a creep and it’s bound to bite you in the butt . I once made a new friend who a mere two weeks prior, had gone out with someone I’d just started dating. We shared stories, she validated my red-flags, and he and I are no longer dating.
The last thing I’ll mention is something I posted about a couple of weeks ago. That mysterious thing known as cooking.
5. Have at least one go-to recipe.
Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
16 oz jar of salsa (mild works best, it tends to get hotter when baked, picante does not work well)
1 lb or so of boneless , skinless chicken breasts
a few red potatoes
Place breasts in a baking dish (9×9 square works). Cube or chop potatoes (skin on) and place them around (not on) the chicken. Pour the entire jar of salsa over the chicken and potatoes. Bake uncovered for 45 minutes to an hour , or until the potatoes are soft. (to ensure the salsa doesn’t burn, cover with foil about 40 minutes in, if the potatoes are not done). Avoid baking covered the whole time, it’ll get soupy and watery.
So, we good? Ego not too bruised? I’m only trying to help, afterall. A lot of you know these basics, but trust me, there are many, many of you out there who still do not. So, help a girl out, tell your friends what you already know.
While you’re bonding over a beer and talking about the chicken you made last night, sitting at the bar, button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, just so, you might just catch someone’s ear. And, she might notice what you’re wearing, and say hello.
That’d be hot, wouldn’t it?